Hello all you beta males out there! I hope you’re having a fine day in the hell that you don’t realize your life is. Despite your not knowing it, it turns out you’re currently in a state of delusion about how attractive your girlfriend is. That is, if you even have a girlfriend! Ha, ha, ha.. I spit on you.

Psychology Today reports that the benevolent hand of evolution has spared the not-so-perfects of the world the horror of constant rejection by the opposite sex by programming us to be relatively uninterested in those who are out of our league.

Like pigs in shit, we’re happy as can be with our second rate spouses, and until now we were none the wiser! Beta males have “idiosyncratic opinions of women’s beauty, which point them askew of the most elite targets.” 

I feel this ties in with my previous article about fatter, normaler people having more sex than less normal skinny people, which I’m pretty sure is due to their normalcy. With one’s sexual radar tuned to target those equally as ugly as they are, it’s no surprise the world works the way it does.

Glenn Scheyd Jr., psychologist, reported that the more desirable a guy, the more conventional his tastes in the opposite sex. So the Kens of the world like the Barbies. Makes sense.

As for the rest, “their perceptions of who is attractive are actually based to a certain extent on their own desirability.” In addition, these men’s perceptions of other things; for example, the beauty of a certain car, was not similarly affected.

However, I tend to think that men’s tastes in material things are skewed by what is available to them. Guys living in a state of chronic financial deprivation like me don’t tend to drool much over, say, Lamborghini cars because they’ll never afford one. Instead, the limit of their covetousness extends to V8 Commodores or (insert redneck muscle car of your choice here).

Women, on the other hand, don’t exhibit any marked eccentricity of taste as their looks deviate from mathematical perfection. This is apparently because hot guys wouldn’t (or didn’t in primordial times) turn down an easy root even if she was a minger.

So, I think this finally puts into scientific language the phenomenon one often encounters where some no doubt pretty ugly guy will disparage some uber-hot model from the comfort of his nerd hovel on the grounds of something idiotic – usually saying she’s too thin or whatever. But now we know, it’s just that they’ve been staring at a fat ugly pig in the mirror every morning for so long they’ve forgotten what good is. Thanks evolution!